A MidWest Float Trip

Everything I have been avoiding is coming up now. I don’t go a day without thinking about drinking. I smoke so much now I feel the smoke and darkness in my lungs every morning when I get up. I feel pain in my body in places I never paid attention to. I’m trying to pin point the moment I stopped caring. It was when I stopped talking to God. If I could find those two places I could go back and talk myself through the pain. I could fix whatever mistakes I made. I allowed myself to float into situations that were like a wild Midwest float trip. I was on the rafters, with my plastic bottle of apple Crown Royal(because you can’t have glass on the river), miniature speaker blasting music, laughing and playing in the water. Just letting the current and the sunshine drift me on down the way. I didn’t have anything else left in me to give, so I floated. And today it feels like I slipped off the side of the rafter, and my footing gave out from underneath me. All of a sudden I went down, my feet unable to feel the sand underneath me, I am gasping for air, realizing  that I might not make it out of this situation. The water is splashing around me, and I cant see anything. I am flailing, hoping this life jacket works but unable to trust the life saving device. Help me ! I am screaming but no words will come out. The thing is, though, everyone else on the trip has had their Budlights and Tequilas, and they are also laughing and playing, they are twerking on snap chat, and laid back with their eyes closed trying to soak up the Vitamin D, they cant see me. This triggers the trauma of my father, and I try so hard not to refer back to this, I try so hard not to remember, I push those thoughts away, and square up with that shit everyday. Fighting, and I am tired. I am exhausted trying to comprehend it all. And so I gave up. My well protected heart and my quick mindfulness, my ability to play chess when everyone else is playing checkers is gone. I cant drink water, I cant do yoga, I cant touch any part of ME, and I scream obscenities when I am driving. Which is a classic, writing on the wall signal that the turmoil is thick. And nobody sees it. All while this is happening God is showing up in ways I prayed for, He is shining His Holy light on me, blessing me daily with His grace and Mercy, and literally thunder storming the blessings of a life I never thought I would have on me. I am there, no umbrella, can taste the raindrops, run up and splash in them puddles, my cup truly runneth over. So, I relax in the water and my boy Swartz grabs me quick, and strong with all those muscles we have worked out in the gym together early mornings before watch. And I lay with my back down and my face lifted to the sky gasping for air, letting my heart beat slow down. And I say thank you a thousand times. My brother from another mother, sits me up, hands me a shot, pats me on my back and before I know it, we are back chilling laughing, riding this ride back to the banks. A wild Midwest float trip. I sit around at the end, while we are unloading watching everyone wet, tanned, drunk as a skunk, smiling and stumbling around in the bliss of our experience. Praying that I look normal, that I am talking normal, and that nobody noticed… only to realize they see what their life has taken them through. Peoples perspectives are shaped by their experiences. I have created an experience in me, with me, from me. This float trip was LIT tho and I will never forget what the Midwest did to me and for me.