Gardening at Midnight

Have you ever felt something and thought something and every thought or feeling is met with a reason why you shouldn’t feel that way or a way to overcome it? It is exhausting and truly feels like there is no rest for the weary there. I’ve been unsure where to lay it all down out. I’ve been confused about what I can feel and what I cant. I’ve been trying to uncover the feelings I buried. I’ve been trying to find the core of who I am and see where my roots were planted. I’m sticking my hand in the soil to see if its been moisturized. I pick it up in clumps in my hand and break down the pieces stuck together. I smell the soil to see if there was manure in it, if it is the good kind. I am finding old wounds. I am finding all my trust issues, and abandonment issues. And new sprouts of commitment issues and my pride willing the vines to grow the best, to grow the fastest, to hurry along so we can be in the prized plant magazine again. The roots in some places are deep down, roll up your sleeves and put on your pink rubber feminine gardening gloves and hunch your back over the ground, get ready to strongly pull roots. And some of my roots are loosely planted and weak strings of growth, not fully developed. I feel like ive been gardening at midnight with a flashlight. And then I remember my dad cutting on the water hose downstairs on the concrete floor. I remember him shoving the soap down my throat. And I get irritated because I am tired of being the sad girl. I don’t want any of this to define me anymore. So I reject that I was 33 and 34 with another heartbreak. I ignore that I had abortions and that is one of the biggest heaviest secrets I carry. I buried those with all the other dirt on me, literally in this midnight garden. I bury that I was irresponsible and negligent to my own health. I bury that I was in love with a light skinned man. I hide that I wasn’t a good partner. I bury that I was toxic and that I regret my behavior. That I wasn’t sure of myself and reverting to pushing people away. I bury that I miss my niece and that me and her falling out was painful. I bury that she was a JOY to my spirit and oddly one of my best friends. And I only say oddly because I didn’t know how to have boundaries for a niece and an auntie because I hadn’t had one yet. I was wrong for asking her to do something she didn’t really want to do the day before her birthday, but me putting me first still pressed the issue to go to New Orleans. I was angry at her response and scared. I was in the midnight garden with no flashlight so I was just throwing my hands in the ground looking for roots. I miss my baby and I miss being in her life. Relationships for me are like the holes in the ground while I’m gardening. I’ve never talked to a plant a day in my life and kept it alive. Someone said to me today that I was worthy, just from being born, not because I am productive. But where did I learn that at Becky? Where did I see that? How now at 36 do I see or feel worthy? I’m gardening at midnight with a flashlight and I am throwing all the seeds from the packages everywhere, hoping something good lands and grows. Not having the patience for any of it. Just closing my eyes and wishing really hard that good fruit would appear from my misplaced or half hearted efforts. The flashlight only lets me focus on what I can see. And I feel like I’m under a microscope that only shows the bad cells. I wipe the lens off daily looking for the clearer view of who I am. I am concerned about the energy. Am I spending too much energy here? I am gardening at midnight and I wish it would be 6 am with the sun rising and shining bright, the wet grass and the birds chirping. I wish I could feel the humidity of the day, and watch the sky mixed with blues and purples oranges and yellow bring forth the brightest sun. I buried my disappointment and mixed it with justification, because I’ve made mistakes too. I’m gardening at midnight and the flashlight isn’t bright enough to walk me up the steps and back onto the patio and through the glass doors. I’m gardening at midnight looking for the core of who I am. Of all the plants that could’ve ended up in my garden I rebuke the fear, the anxiety, the pain, the doubt the confusion. And while I’m on my knees and surveying the land I pray a prayer of thanks, I count it all joy even though the pain of the positions is there. I am thankful to have a garden, and a midnight and a flashlight. I’m thankful my flashlight has good batteries and that it has a tunnel radiance so that I can only focus on what I see. I pray for the day to break and the tears that I water everything with will fertilize the garden with healthy love and joy.