Jack Harlow & The Summer of 2022

Baby ! Let me tell you ! Summer 2022 is going to resemble Drake’s All Summer 16 & Meg the Stallions Hot Girl Summer. And not in the whorish ways people assume. In the confidence and decision making that brings fun, sun, bright colors, flawless makeup, sticky skin from the humidity, and days by the pool. I spent all last summer distracted and in love with a man who didn’t love me back, I spent the whole summer waiting on him to call me back. I spent the whole summer running backwards to my past running to the comfort I felt from the places I knew I could come in, physically and literally. I was cuffed to the comfort of being able to come in, boss my way around, tilt my head a little, filling the room with my smile and perfume to get the release I needed. But baby! The wind I feel beneath my wings and the inspiration I feel from this freedom of movement. I am about to find the me, God meant for me to know in this season. I have battled the last three years with the concept of self love, and only recently realized the definition of that for me is choosing me. When I have options to choose distractions, comfort, or fear, loving me means choosing the unknown so that I will seek and find the truth. Loving me means choosing what is good for me, and knowing when to let up off me. It is funny how God took me through these past two seasons simultaneously and how hard I was fighting back not to go through where He was taking me. He took the hustle right out of my life in a blink of an eye at work. The comfort I felt from staying at work too long, the false sense of control I felt over situations the constant movement and processing in my brain that clouded my mind and left no space for God, or the truth of who I am. He took my fears of not being able to love again right out the picture, He removed this false lie that when a love story ends the world is over. He showed me peace is priceless and the only way to that is in Him, and spending time with yourself. I can hear the words leaving my mouth and I can feel the reaction that I have on people with these words and it shocks me, the power of the words. He showed me the entanglement I was in, was meant for these reasons. For me to learn and feel and be open in a way that made me uncomfortable. So uncomfortable that I would make the mistakes I previously hated myself for. He had to show me man cannot complete the parts He created, only He holds the forgiveness and mercy I need to be free to be myself. Only He holds the acceptance I thought I was getting. And only He can create the man who will love me like that. What a JOY I feel in my heart now in this place of surrender. The pain is FINALLY free from the hold I had on it, and not the other way around. Most importantly I have learned, it all takes work. It all takes commitment, it takes consistency, and hope. Visions for what you want to look like, visions for what you want your life to look like, and faith in God that it will happen and hope in yourself that it can. Nothing even matters at all (Lauryn Hill voice) is the level of freedom I feel. Self hate and loathing and anxiety and fear had me in concrete shoes, I literally couldn’t move. I was refusing to learn my new role at work, I was snuffing out the fire and motivation when I would see it. I was choosing not to walk away from the imagination and questions and tears. But I had to go through it, I don’t know if that makes sense. I had to walk on that path for myself to get to this place. And the time I spent being mad at myself for not being able to “get over it” was waisted, because I HAD to travel faithfully on that journey. And the faithfulness was in the past months I have spent drinking myself into spaces I cant remember my own words. The hangovers I have felt, rolling over with a headache and bursting out in tears. The moments I have been driving through the underpass leading into the city and thinking about my father, the hard sad truth that I trigger my sisters trauma. The countless unanswered calls to R hoping he would answer the phone, that he would sooth my pain, that he would choose me over him and his boundaries. The saddest moments that I kept a secret from the same people I see everyday, unable to share. The therapy sessions I couldn’t do anything but cry and release all of the years of rejection. Yal don’t even understand the rainbow I am standing in right now. Literally feeling the heat from the reds and oranges. The coolness I feel when I dress it up and stand in the mirror and practice twerking for the 4000th time, knowing the rhythm will never hit my thighs and back like it does for other women. The money and prosperity I know is coming as I float in the green and the trueness of who I am as I dance in the royal, loyal, pure, purple that represents the crown of whose I am. The yellow that represents the losses I have taken, and the sadness of the burdens I have carried. The realization that the rainbow represents the storm that passed but the humble spirit to know there will be other storms. But this sunshine we about to feel in the Summer of 2022 is promising. Just 27 days ago I was a wreck listening to the Ella Mai album, still seething and nursing my heartbreak, and here we are indulging in Jack Harlow’s new album and its exactly what I need. Time heals all wounds.

How much of myself did I see in him? The past me the present me and the future me?

How hard is it to choose to do a work out? How hard is it to write and journal for mental release and some clarity? How hard is it to choose to self soothe when I want to call someone else or reach out to distract me from the fear of my own levels of sensitivity? How hard is it to choose to shut up, when I want to indulge in the gossip or speak meaningless words for the sake of using my voice. How hard is it to positive self talk myself as I look in the mirror instead of tearing myself down. How hard is it to convince myself I don’t have cancer and no one is going to sneak in my apartment and kidnap me and that the uber drivers are not going to sex traffic me? How hard is it to RELAX? How hard is it to spit out the bitterness I allow my mouth to fill up with when I hear or feel something that hits a wound? How hard is it to accept boundaries in my relationships?

The truth is, it is only as hard as we make it. And out of all of the battles I have fought, of all of the strategizing I have done, of all of the times I have patted myself on the back after protecting myself, protecting others, or earning something I really wanted I realize choosing ME is the hardest. The level of honesty it takes to reflect on who I am, who I was, and how to get to where I want to be is astounding. Choosing me feels scary because sometimes it feels like defining who I am is useless. I will be the habits I create. I will be the amount of heart I put into the people places and things I choose to make deposits in. I will be the level of success my children reach. But for now, for the summer of 2022, I will live vicariously through ME, by choosing ME!