Open Chapters

This is the hardest chapter of my life to write, because I am now awakened to life itself. Looking back over this book, the writing of my childhood and the therapy I am going through now to undo trauma or to work through the lies, the habits and the acceptance of it all I realize I truly didn’t know. I had no idea the impact those moments were having on me then. I had no idea that was going to be my story. In most of those places I was just trying to survive. I was just taking the next step, I was mimicking the things I admired about people I assumed were successful. I was following an imaginary blueprint. I see the ambition God placed in my spirit. I see the fight I was fighting had no real opponent. But now I see the opponent is myself. I see the struggle is me. Me and my sister used to joke around when we were facing an argument with someone or something in life other people would define as hard, that they must not know who our dad was, they must not understand their opponent because we had survived living with our dad. Now, I literally have to remind myself of all I have been through to push through these days of walking in raw pain, in realizing the power of my words, and the fear of what “next” will look like. And now that I can identify these memories as trauma and now that I can admit these moments broke something inside of me I only can pray God heals, it doesn’t always feel like motivation anymore. One of my mentors, (shout out to MCM), gave me the title of this book, Closed Chapters, because in his talk that day, he said, “close those chapters, you aren’t her anymore, stop being scared and CHANGE!”. I am waking up everyday putting one foot in front of the other because although my childhood was scary, never knowing where I was going next, or what else was about to happen it never seemed this hard. Now, I don’t know where my feet will take me each day. I am praying my words hit people differently and that my actions can resemble love, because I see that is what I need. But carrying around this weight is heavy. I see me walking around with a bag full of stuff, taking one thing out at a time, while scared I am going to lay it on the wrong person, scared that I might misplace that stuff in the wrong places. I am also stopping at different destinations trying to pick up the stuff I should’ve had. And I can see through it all, it is me. I am my own opponent, and I have no secret weapon, I have no information about the enemies weaknesses, all I have is my faith. All I have is the memories. The same memories that somehow turn into nightmares and flashbacks. The same memories I shake my head at in shame from my own behavior, not a victim. The same memories that make me question, who am I. The same memories I have been mad at God for, the same memories I worked hard to ignore and to never share. I can’t turn back, I want to move forward, but I want to acknowledge the fear, I want to acknowledge the fight right here, Because I know some where inside of me, I will get through this too. I know God had to have His hands on me, because I am a miracle. I am, “people of victory”. I am called by name, I am fearfully and wonderfully made, I am gifted, I am important, I am a child of the most high God. This journey that I am on is blessed with God’s love, grace, mercy, forgiveness and patience. I don’t ever want to forget this moment, because I have never been so humbled.

And in the spirit of who I truly am, I want to share even this moment of what doesn’t feel like success and doesn’t scream awards and validation. I want to be vulnerable, hopefully to encourage my other sisters out there putting one foot in front of the other, for my moms out there reminding themselves everyday that they are a great mom even when they make mistakes, for my sailors out there doing the best they can as leaders, for other people in therapy trying to “get better” because they genuinely want to put things in the right place, for the world struggling to love themselves and understand what this means or looks like. For someone wondering where God is or where He was when something bad was happening. I want to share and to be transparent, because I never heard this from anyone. Because so often I have been wrapped in the arms of women of God, because I have cried my eyes out on someone else’s mom’s shoulders, and I always heard the encouragement but I never heard the story of their journey. I have heard how hard it would be, but just in case anyone is out there “trying to figure it out” here is where I am.

So in the release and the reflection of feelings and emotions, in Mary J Blidge’s words : Good morning Gorgeous! Today will be great because, here is holy (Michael Todd). Today will be great because I am still alive and still have some fight in my spirit. Because the parts of me that need to be let go are leaving me. Because fear wont stop me, because I can be kind to others knowing behind every smile there is a story, in every conversation there are real things that are never shared. God is not in a hurry, only I am. I pray today I take my time, and that forgiveness and gentleness will fill my spirit so full I can’t hold bitterness or resentment or jealously. That the ugly parts of me will be wiped away by my Salvation. My prayer is that I release the things I have been holding onto with a death grip, because I am after all meant to close those chapters.